i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
