My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
