Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
