I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
