i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
