True but thats because hes a fetus.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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