so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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