He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
