i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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