dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
