I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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