Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
