i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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