Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
