So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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