Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We had sex on a dog bed..
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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