thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
