Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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