Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
