JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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