my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
