I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize