Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We don't watch enough power rangers
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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