my phone needs a breathalizer
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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