My friends, they love my intelligence
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
