Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
