you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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