Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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