I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
