oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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