You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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