Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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