Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
