woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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