Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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