he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
