ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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