Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
