Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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