you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
