I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
