I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
