Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
