Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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