Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
