I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
