i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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