I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
