M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
