i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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