You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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