My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
In America we eat man semen.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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