one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
