so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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